


Now Tomorrow's Here Without You

by HippieGeekGirl



Series: Bright Nights, Dark Days (We're Gonna Be Okay) [6]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bittersweet, Coping, Established Relationship, F/M, Future Fic, Grief/Mourning, I got yelled at on Twitter for this, Loss, M/M, Moving On, Multi, Vague descriptions of terminal illness, heed the warnings on this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-15
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-08-15 03:58:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8041621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HippieGeekGirl/pseuds/HippieGeekGirl
Summary: The passage of time brings inevitable conclusions, and life goes on... even when it doesn't.





	Now Tomorrow's Here Without You

In the end, it was Gilmore who left them first.

This came as something of a shock to all of them, but over the years Vax's recklessness had been tempered by the fierce need to protect his loved ones, even from the pain of loss. They couldn't outrun it forever, though. Magic could only do so much to prolong life, and it was growing increasingly clear that the amazing, indefinable thing between the three of them would soon be drawing to a close.

He'd broken the news to the two of them as gently as he could once the possibility had become a certainty, but there was no way to sugarcoat the fact that their time together was running out. Vax had retreated afterwards, taking shelter in Keyleth's garden, beneath the same tree they'd spent so many afternoons under.

The sun was beginning to sink beyond the horizon when his sister found him there. “ _What_ is going on? You've been out here all day, Keyleth won't talk to anyone…” Her harsh words abruptly stopped when she saw the look on his face.

“He's dying.” Vax blurted out the words before he could think, resting his head on her shoulder as she knelt next to him. “There's nothing we can do.”

She didn't need to ask who he meant. She was still for a moment, trying to sort out her own feelings about the impending loss from her concern for the three of them, who'd fought so hard for the joy they'd found with each other. “Is he… did he say why?”

“He's just… aging. And human.” They both knew that there was no chance of avoiding what was to come, at least not without unthinkable consequences. Even with all the arcane and divine wonders in the world, mortality was a constant.

“I'm sorry, brother.” She sighed, holding him as he cried into her shirt. It had always seemed strange to her that the words used to express remorse were also used to offer sympathy. The fact that she even thought about such things spoke volumes about what they'd been through in the past. “I'm staying with you, but you need to go find Keyleth. I don't think either of you should be alone right now.”

He nodded silently, and Vex knew she was in for a long night of keeping an eye on him and trying to keep his grief from swallowing him whole. It was a burden she'd willingly bear. He'd do the same for her. He _had_ done the same for her.

“Come on.” She stood, taking his hand to pull him to his feet. “Let's get inside, it's cold as fuck out here.”

He hadn't even noticed the chill in the air, but he followed her anyway.

 

The others helped as much as they could, as the days turned into weeks, and then months. All of them were acutely aware of the losses that had shattered their strange little family, forcing them to put the remaining pieces back together. Pike had offered to go with Vax and Keyleth when the time came, but Gilmore only wanted the two of them there with him.

(He'd already made preparations for… after. It was the tiniest of small mercies, but it was one of the last acts of kindness he could do for them.)

“I'm not afraid of it.”

“Hmm?” Vax was pulled from his distracted thoughts by his lover's voice. They were currently resting on the top of the keep’s outer wall, tangled up in one another for comfort and support. Their position on the outskirts of Emon offered a lovely view of the main city, and Gilmore had wanted to take in as much of it as possible while he still could. 

“Death,” he continued. “It doesn't frighten me.” 

“Good. It shouldn't.” Vax was surprised by the sincerity in his own words, but he realized it was true. They were doing everything they could to ensure that his passing would be as peaceful as possible, and he couldn't imagine that whatever awaited him after the end would be unkind.

“I worry about you two, though.” Gilmore sighed, leaning further into the warm circle of his arms. “I hate the thought of leaving you behind.”

Vax wanted to say something reassuring, but the words refused to come. He couldn't bring himself to put on a brave face as a single tear rolled down his face before he could stop it. “I have no idea what I'm going to do without you.”

“You'll figure it out.” He reached out to wipe the drop of moisture from Vax’s cheek before stroking his hair, a gesture that had always soothed him in the past. He leaned into the touch as he choked back a sob.

“I love it when you do that… and all I can think of right now is how much I'm going to miss it. It isn't _fair_ , I shouldn't be mourning you before you're even gone.” 

“Shhh, it's alright. Everyone deals with these things differently.” His hand moved on to rub circles on Vax's back, feeling his deep breaths as he tried to compose himself. “And I promise eventually it won't hurt so much.”

He'd lost enough people over the years to recognize the truth of this, even as his mind rebelled against the idea. “I don't want you to worry about me.”

Gilmore smiled as he pressed a kiss to Vax's forehead, recognizing the tenderness and vulnerability that had always made him feel strongly protective, even before they'd realized how deeply their feelings for each other ran. “That, my dear heart, is not a choice you get to make.”

Vax nodded, feeling the peaceful quiet beginning to return as they continued to hold each other. “Yeah… okay.”

 

That night, Vax dreamed.

It wasn't an altogether unfamiliar scenario. He was seated cross-legged on a smooth stone floor, in a cavernous room lit only by a single circle of warm light. An inscrutable face looked down on him.

_"You are troubled, my champion."_

“Yes.” His usual inclination toward humor and sarcasm seemed to have drained out of him, replaced by a suffocating knot of emotions. Through it all he felt the same mixture of fear, acceptance and calm he always felt in the presence of his patron.

“I've learned a lot in the years I've followed you.” He curled up in an almost defensive position, wrapping his arms around his knees as he leaned forward. “I can't help thinking you might have taught me too well.”

She said nothing, her silence beckoning him to continue.

“I've encountered death… more times than I want to think about. I know that it is natural, and necessary, and motivates us to give meaning to our lives. I can even see beauty in it sometimes… but I don't know how to get through this.” He stared at the ground, hot tears stinging his eyes. “I think about us going on without him and I just… can't. It's like a blur. And I can't even be angry about it. I can't say it's unfair, because as much as it feels like it is, I know that's bullshit. I'd do anything… _anything_ for more time with him, but I wouldn't dare ask.”

He glanced upward to see the Raven Queen, no longer the towering, immense form she normally appeared as. She was closer to his size now, though just as imposing, her unchanging mask still in place.

_“You are not the first of my champions to struggle with this knowledge.”_

“I thought they all renounced their claim on the mortal world.” It had been one of his greatest fears in his early days as her paladin, that one day she'd force him away from his family, from his very identity, but she'd seemed to realize that he was stronger with Vox Machina than he could ever hope to be alone.

 _“Most do. But others have chosen to remain tied to the world of the living. Though I must say, few have had bonds as strong as yours.”_ There was an unusual degree of compassion in her voice that reminded Vax that she had once been mortal herself. _“Come.”_

He did as he was told, following her as the light faded away, replaced by the same interwoven golden web she'd shown him so long ago.

 _“Life does not exist in isolation. Each is intertwined with many others, which touch others in turn.”_ She reached out to pluck one of the strings. _“A tapestry does not unravel when a single thread is cut.”_

“But it's never quite the same again.” He held out his hand unbidden as she placed the still-glowing strand in his palm.

_“Indeed.”_

“So what do I do?” The rippling weave surrounding him was making him slightly dizzy. He felt very small.

 _“Be strong. Be with him at the beginning of his last journey.”_ Her hand was cold on his as he held tightly onto her gift. _“I will be there to guide him the rest of the way.”_

“Thank you...”

A curtain of black feathers enveloped him in darkness as he woke.

 

“It's almost time, isn't it?” Vax’s voice broke the stillness of their room as they all held each other close. It was still early, the sky outside the window just starting to darken into twilight, but Gilmore tired more easily now.

“I think so.” His voice had grown softer, which might actually have been pleasant if not for the cause of it. The three of them had spent the day together, clinging to what happiness they could find in their final hours together as a trio, and Vax was extremely relieved that no political intrigue or marauding beasts had come along to take that time away from them. A memory came to him then, unbidden.

_It's what I always assumed I'd see in my last moments..._

It wasn't the same, he told himself sternly as the words echoed in his mind. This wasn't the man he loved in his prime, being torn away from him by a dragon's claws. This was life and time and nature running its course, and as much as he wanted to rage against it, to fight it, he couldn't. He wouldn't.

He was unbelievably grateful for every moment they'd been given, and it hurt so fucking much. 

He forced himself to focus on Keyleth's voice as she spoke the traditional Ashari blessing she'd told them about. Her words were strong and steady despite her obvious heartbreak, and as always, he was awed by the power she held. After a few more whispers and a last tender kiss, she moved back to let Vax say his own goodbyes.

“Hey, gorgeous.” He managed a tenuous half-smile as Gilmore’s arm tightened around his waist. “I love you, you magnificent bastard. You've made me so happy.” His voice broke as he paused to take a breath, not wanting the importance of the moment to be overshadowed by sadness. “Take that with you, okay?”

“As long as you do too.”

“Always.” He rested his head on his lover's chest, trying to listen to his heartbeat for as long as he could.

“Shaun.” He whispered, unsure if Gilmore could even hear him, not wanting to move away from that small comforting sound. “You don't have to worry anymore. I figured it out.”

“I knew you would.”

A calm, awful silence settled over them. For a moment, Vax thought he caught something on the edge of his awareness - a slowly shifting form, perhaps a flutter of wings - but there was nothing to see when he turned to look directly. He wasn't really surprised. He didn't need to see her to know she was there.

“It's alright,” Keyleth said, trying to reassure herself as much as the men in her arms. “We'll be alright.”

A few more breaths passed, and then it was over.

 

The lanterns were still lit when they eventually made it home that night - Vex had waited up for them. Without saying a word, she pulled her brother into a fierce hug, holding him as tightly as she dared before drawing Keyleth into the embrace as well. They both knew she understood this hurt all too well.

They made it to bed shortly after that, but there would be no sleep for either of them. There was too much missing. The two of them simply laid together, chest to chest, sharing each other's space.

“I feel like I've cried so much I can't anymore.” Keyleth's voice was rough as the silence was broken. “But I kind of still want to, you know?”

“I know.” He could feel her hesitation, as there was clearly something more she wanted to say.

“Earlier, when we were with him… you said you'd figured something out. What was it?” 

He took a deep breath, unsure of how best to put it into words. “How to… move on, I guess. How to go on living.”

“You planning on sharing that with me?” He recognized the slight hint of teasing in the otherwise serious question and gave her a gentle squeeze.

“We remember the good times. Accept the sadness.” He felt her relax slightly as he spoke. “And we spend the rest of our lives trying to make him proud.”

Keyleth smiled, wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her nightgown. “He was always proud of you. I don't think you ever knew how much.”

There didn't seem to be anything else to say after that. Silently, she assumed her saber-toothed tiger form, settling back down beside him with a noise that might have been a purr, a growl, or something in between.

“Thank you, Minxy.”

He ran a hand through the tiger's thick fur, burying his face in her side as the tears that had stubbornly refused to fall broke free at last. Out of nowhere another memory returned, of a promise made long ago during another time of great distress.

_This is a beginning._

They'd had so many beginnings between the three of them. It seemed like they'd had just as many endings, even before the painful finality of this last farewell. As much as he wished they'd figured things out sooner, he couldn’t regret any of the steps they'd taken. It was just the way things had to be.

He was contemplating those thoughts, tears still damp on his face, when exhaustion finally caught up with him.

 

It was some time later, and Keyleth was taking a walk in the woods to clear her mind. She paused and wrapped a nearby ivy vine around her fingers, letting the plant’s response to her touch ease some of her worries. It had been a very long few months. 

Her decision to return to her people was not one she had made lightly. They'd always been open and honest with each other about the places their destiny might take them, but Vax simply wasn't ready to leave their family behind. They knew the bonds between them all would withstand the separation, but it wasn't a step he could take. Maybe someday, if the fates were kind… but not then. She smiled fondly as she remembered his parting words to her. 

_“You're going to be fucking amazing, sunshine.”_

She didn't feel amazing, but she felt… confident. With wise counsel from her father and some of the tribe's other senior members, she was growing more certain that she would be the leader they needed.

Though she'd been back to Emon a few times in the intervening time, the others had been away on journeys of their own. Her visits were official in nature, as an emissary for her people, but she'd still found time to visit the staff at the keep. It was enough to reassure her that all was still well. Gilmore’s Glorious Goods was now run by Sherri and a small army of her family members, but when she'd stopped in, she was amazed by how much his presence still lingered.

It was this thought above all that brought her comfort. She knew that tales of Vox Machina and their allies were still being told in taverns and meeting halls across Tal'Dorei and beyond. As long as someone lived on to tell those stories and hold those memories close, there would always be a spark of their lost loved ones remaining in the world.

A small flicker of flame danced at the end of her fingers for a brief moment before she extinguished it. She planned to remember for a very long time.

There was a commotion somewhere behind her, followed by the slightest crunch of leaves underfoot as she turned to find a black-cloaked figure trailing her, seemingly not making much of an effort to stay hidden. She recognized him immediately and ran forward without hesitation, not stopping until Vax caught her in his arms with a soft grunt.

“Oof. You've gotten stronger since I saw you last.”

“Shut up.” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and held on tight, stumbling over her words in her haste. “What are you doing here? How long have you been here? Are you- is this for good?”

“Woah. Kiki. Take a breath.” He laughed, leaning in to kiss her once she'd stopped talking. “I've only just arrived. Your father told me where you'd gone and I came right out to find you.”

“And?”

“... I'm not sure yet,” he admitted. “I think I'd like it to be. I thought maybe we could take things one day at a time.”

She nodded, considering the idea. “I think I can live with that.”

Still holding each other close, they began to walk hand in hand back toward the village.

**Author's Note:**

> I would blame this on a bout of depression but I've been working on it for six months, so I really have no excuse. :/


End file.
